Random Rules...

As a result of my letter to you last month I had a few comments about my ‘rule’ not to just be safe but to be fierce and brave too (thank you to those who hit ‘reply’). It got me thinking about the other ‘sayings’ that I am famous for within the house. When I say ‘famous’ I mean I annoy my teenage daughter with - there’s nothing more validating than a teenage-girl’s eye roll!

So, I thought for this letter I would write them up and offer them for your delectation:

The four rules of life: I got this from a book on change management I read back in the late nineties. I can remember nothing else about this book except for these four rules. I have quoted them incessantly ever since:

·      Rule 1 – Turn up.

·      Rule 2 – Be present.

·      Rule 3 – Speak your truth.

·      Rule 4 – Let it go (this is the hardest one, but arguably the most important).

There’s a fifth rule which I have, in recent years, appended to this which is ‘do no unnecessary harm’.

On the topic of dating and finding love: My daughter often reels out long lists of requirements for her ‘type’. Unsurprisingly, it is mainly about their look, fashion choices and physical attributes. Hey, I was teenage once, I think. I must have done this too. I am now old enough to know that true love and the best people in your life very often do not always ‘look’ the way you figured they would. So, I remind my daughter that the following rules should be her first consideration – if a person fulfils these but doesn’t have the ‘right’ eye-colour or isn’t a certain height, or doesn’t wear the right type of jeans, then maybe don’t summarily dismiss them:

·      Rule 1 – they must be kind and make you laugh and on the whole feel happily childlike when in their presence.

·      Rule 2 – they must be clean, thereby demonstrating an important level of self-respect.

·      Rule 3 – when drunk, they must demonstrate a happy, chilled out attitude (angry drunks should be avoided in my humble experience).

On the topic of finding a job you like doing: My thoughts on how to be a useful person in society:

·      Rule 1 – get started on something, anything rather than waiting. It might not be the correct path for you in the long term, but the act of taking a step forward will have, at the very least, informed you of this more than if you had stood still. Look up Goethe’s “Boldness has genius” – it’s the same intent.

·      Rule 2 – Figure out what will make the other person feel better/less anxious and (if it is within your power) do it. In interviews, in our day-to-day jobs, we are asked to make the whole enterprise less risky and anxious. The job advert is basically saying “please help” – so prove you can be as helpful in as many useful ways as possible. Sounds stupidly simple, but it is surprising how easy it is to forget that being helpful to our fellow man is one of the best ways to rise in status and achieve success (no matter what your definition of success is).

·      Rule 3 – Discipline is your friend. Be responsible and reliable. This rule applies to more than ‘just’ what you do to pay your bills of course. When I was working as a stable-girl in my local riding stables, mucking out the horses and sweeping up the yard were jobs no one liked doing, but were wholly necessary to the smooth running of the place. If you wanted the prize – the fun and excitement – of riding a horse, then you had to first clean up all the mess said horse created! The more pride I took in doing a great job of mucking-out the stable – being efficient and tidy – the more I enjoyed my riding. I felt I had really earned the privilege. I feel that way about my writing work now – the harder I work on getting the ‘drudge’ work of writing books done, the more I enjoy the rarer moments of success and validation.

Just two more rules (for now) that I would like to leave you with:

·      Me First. This was one I learnt too late in my life, I think, but better late than never. ‘Me First’ has significant spiritual aspects and needs to be thought about deeply. It is not a reason to be selfish! It is a reminder to feed ourselves sufficiently in order to be more capable of feeding others. Being a beast of duty and burden, a martyr to others feelings or wishes does not make the world a better place, or your soul more enlightened. If you don’t learn to first be of service to yourself, to love yourself, then how can you love others? Don’t ever be afraid to stand up and put yourself first.

·      Keep It Small. Life can sometimes feel overwhelming and just too much. It is easy to succumb to feelings of doubt and pointlessness. I have found the best antidote to this is to keep it all really, really small. Just aim to do one thing towards your big-scary-goal today. Or promise yourself just five minutes spent on that difficult task you’ve been avoiding. Don’t dismiss this as being too trite or unoriginal. Regular, consistent movement will take you much, much further than you could ever imagine at the start.

I hope you enjoyed reading these. Believe me, I have more! But like all advice, you are under no obligation to take any notice. Perhaps take what you find to be useful and discard everything else, yeah? Oh look, that’s another good rule in life!

Rachel x