Resolute Acceptance

Writing is what I love to do. At times it feels dangerously exposing. I feel that now; exposed. There is a voice whispering to me about my deception of myself - that I am an impostor.

You see, I have written books about topics that I have very little experience of. I have dealt with events and emotions in my stories that I have not actually, in ‘real-life’, stretched my own heart around. Not yet at least.

For instance, ‘The Point of Me, Beyond Veils, Book One’, sees the main character, a young-man, face a tragically early death from a terminal illness.

How dare I describe events that I haven’t lived? How can I put a character through something that I have not suffered? How could I possibly evoke the essence, the tragedy, the beauty in these moments with any hope of accuracy?

Normally I can squirm away from this voice’s grip.

Then my father got ill. An emergency type of sudden-happening illness.

The mobile phone buzzed across my desk; ill fate coming. The obedient technology was announcing a call from my elder sister. That was the first clue. I couldn’t remember the last time that she had had cause to phone me. I had time to think “Uh-oh, this is going to be bad news.”

It was. I listened to her matter-of-fact reportage of an ambulance being called, chest pains, tears of fear and worry from Mum, rendering her unable to be the bringer of this announcement, hence why my sister was calling. “I’m sure all will be fine; the paramedics are checking him over now.” Distant-sibling-speak for “let’s not get too emotional in the presence of one another”. I agreed. Of course I did. It’s what we do.

I put the phone down, one half of my brain considering the practical logistical implications that this news brought to my day; how would the work and school pick up commitments segue into hospital visiting times. The other half of my brain? That was in conversation with that unkind voice; you wrote about this in assumption that you knew what death and grief are, so now you might get to really experience it. Let’s see how naïve you were, if you were in any way close to what you are going to feel.

In truth, I did not know what to feel, nevertheless I felt compelled to find words. I began to construct wild and upsetting scenes of how this particular theatre play might run. I imagined the emotional descriptions that I might need to use for this ‘hoped-would-never-be-written’ chapter of my real-life story. If this were to happen, I said to myself, it would be the first untimely family death I have suffered.

I am very grateful for my lack of personal experience with death, and don’t attempt to conceal it. I willingly admit this to any reader of ‘The Point of Me’ who asks this. The book explores the meaning of death, and therefore life, and in particular family life.

I wrote that particular story for lots of reasons. One of them was a growing desire to face my own mortality and document my search for a greater meaning to this life. In simple terms, I put my character through the trauma of an approaching death, because I wanted to sit within my own ideas and thoughts of what this actually means.

Someone very close to me speaks of his “resolute acceptance of death”. I think this is one of his greatest ‘superpowers’. It makes him braver than most, fiercely inquisitive and unlikely to be manipulated. He is able to manage his fear in a way that I am not yet capable of, but hope to become.

This phrase, ‘resolute acceptance of death’, originates from the world of samurai warriors, where it was part of their code of honour. It indicates a degree of ‘comfort’ with death’s arrival in whatever form it may take and that, because this is unknown to all of us, life should be lived therefore to one’s best and highest level, such that when death does arrive, in that moment there is no regret. It is an ideology that speaks, to me at least, of living one’s life awake and aware to the value of even the smallest of things.

It was in exploration of this idea that I wrote that first book. I wrote my second book in similar analysis. I am writing my third book with this still in mind – an opportunity to explore the questions that I have, and to test the small details, the theories I have of where the answers to life’s big-questions possibly lie.

My father’s illness was temporarily acute, but is hopefully not life-threatening. It was in fact a gift. In the immediate aftermath of the news, when I sat in a numbed-daze of all the fearful outcomes that might occur, I was able to consider how I feel about this inevitability. And I realised something – I am not ‘faking’ anything in my writing. I am exploring, discovering and describing my progress. I have no absolute answers to the big fears that stalk me (that stalk all of us). I am at least doing my best to prepare and be alive to the beautiful, tiny details that may, in time, add up to one.

The next time I see my father, I will make sure I tell him that I love him in a way that he hears it. Just in case. I am sure that in the moment this will scare both of us, for we will both understand what is behind the necessity of saying this emotion out loud. But I will say it anyway.

No more faking in this life. Only exploratory acceptance.

Rachel x

P.S. **Coming Soon** - The Hope of Us, Beyond Veils, Book 3: You may have noticed that I have been busy on getting my third book ready for publication - I may have mentioned it once or twice along the way! Well, this month it will finally be launched upon the shelves of Amazon! Set the date in your diary - **27th August** - and ready your eReaders and paperback shelves. Watch this space for more details about the story and a hint about who 'the hope of us' is.

P.P.S. I recently launched a pod-cast! Published on Apple Podcast - it is called "Letters from an Author" and features me, reading aloud these letters that I send to you, my subscribers, my friends. You can download and listen to the episodes - about 10 minutes or less per episode, because I know how busy we all are - HERE. I had great fun recording them, I hope you enjoy listening.

P.P.P.S Whilst waiting for The Hope of Us, would you consider writing a review for my second book, The Truth of Her, Beyond Veils, Book 2? If you have finished reading The Truth of Her - or are getting close to - maybe you would consider letting me, and other potential readers, know what you thought of it by writing up a quick Amazon review (this is the third most helpful thing you can do for my writing career, just behind buying the book and reading the book!). Click here to be taken straight to the Amazon page.