Just say 'no'...
- by Rachel Davidson
- •
- 08 Mar, 2021
- •
...in defence of being discerningly selfish
Some days I feel pressured to be super positive and available – to be both likeable and useful. We’re told that to be successful in this world of ours we must smile and grab every possible glimmer of opportunity in our vicinity. The fear that you might just let the biggest chance of your life float on past is real for many of us. We have been conditioned to be nice and say ‘yes’ more than we say ‘no’.
I have grown older though and come to recognise it is the times I have said ‘no’ which have proven to be the most transformational.
Here’s an example; my new status as a mother also marked the end of my high-flying corporate career. Six months after the birth of my daughter, I was an inconvenient woman who now had different priorities to the 14 hour working days my American, software-consultancy employer thought was reasonable. I was made redundant on the basis of highly suspect criteria. My solicitor agreed I had a case for tribunal, but warned me a judge might not award me much compensation, in fact I might get ‘punished’ for not taking the ex-gratia (shut up and leave) payment being offered to go quietly.
With the injustice of his legal advice ringing in my ears, my 6-month old daughter perched on my hip, I headed off for a weekend away with family. I sat upon a beautiful Norfolk beach, a bright benign sky above my head, perfect white clouds drifting lazily, the sound of the sea, the smell of salt, sand between my toes, the happy delight of my baby exploring, and I decided to say ‘no’. It was the first time I would not take on a fight for justice.
I freed myself. Yes, in not standing up for my own rights I was letting down all women, the decision was a selfish one. I figured if I was meant to change the world for the better, it would not be by sacrificing myself fighting a massive, deep pocketed corporation, whose minions – all frightened for their own jobs no doubt – were simply following orders and getting the paperwork done.
Here’s another example of ‘no’: my decision to leave my marriage. A long-dried up union, in which I was a duty player on an empty sports field. Invisible and settling for second best, performing acts I did not want to do, from which I gained no pleasure, just a temporary relief from the simmering entitlement and anger that my then husband held in his heart for me. Apparently, I was the problem, so I was the one who was expected to sort things. I did, eventually. I found the strength, a reason, to speak the truth of my heart. I said ‘no’. It was not easy. The ramifications of that ‘no’ continue to ripple outwards within my life and that of my family. I said no, again for purely selfish reasons, to make myself happy.
Another example: the other month I got an offer of being featured on somebody’s online podcast. The sales pitch went something along the lines of how much exposure my books would get and how brilliant this would be for my writing career. The pay-off? I would have to produce content that had to be exclusive to this podcast. The time to create this was a considerable chunk of my writing-time for the month. It was an example of how offers can seem dazzlingly tempting – “This’ll put your name up in lights” promises that upon analysis put the whole burden of effort and therefore, risk, upon one party with, really, very little risk for the other party. This person was getting content for their podcast for free, with no ability to guarantee me any benefit. But more pertinent was that they didn’t fit me. I didn’t ‘get’ their approach. I didn’t ‘feel’ it. It felt too one-sided. When I imagined myself working to deliver the required brief for this promise, I felt a tad desperate.
I turned the opportunity down. I used that ‘free’ time to write my books, some more of these letters, and to learn how to promote my writing through channels that I can control and whose effect I have a better chance of assessing. All of this work felt genuine, an authentic graft to give myself a better chance of reaching more readers who hopefully will become proper fans of me (rather than working really hard for somebody for whom I was just an hour’s worth of air-time).
Saying ‘no’ - it is hard on the heart at times. I’m risking disappointing people, I worry that I come across as difficult, too stubborn, too negative in these circumstances. People, well-meaning friends and family, frown at me and say, ‘but why not, what have you to lose?’ It is a good question. I’m not sure I always have a good answer for it – other than it just doesn’t feel right.
Every time I have said no, I was in effect saying ‘yes’ to something else. Sometimes that yes was immediately obvious to me. Most times it was not. I have to trust something ‘better’, more meaningful will appear and, because I have not busied myself with unfulfilling activity, I will be more capable of spotting the ‘ideal for me’ moments. I believe the universe moves upon its axis at my utterance of, ‘No, thank you. It’s not a good fit for me’ and aligns for the most perfectly apt opportunity to zoom up the cosmic motorway, straight towards me.
Discernment is not such a fashionable concept in this fast-paced, fast-food, fast-forward world. I’m on a crusade to bring it back. If I could influence my now teenaged daughter, I would have her listen to her internal roar of ‘no!’ at a much earlier age than I did. That she wouldn’t spend so many years finding her courage, like I had to. That she would have a secure knowledge of her right to say no, that she was allowed to leave, allowed to demand a sign of commitment from the other person before having to commit herself. In short, that she would say ‘no’ more often and find herself a freer and more successful person for it.
She isn’t allowed to say ‘no’ to me though!
Only kidding, she learnt how to do that just after that beach weekend at 6 months old and hasn’t stopped since!
Rachel x
P.S. The Hope of Us, Beyond Veils, Book 3: Look, at the risk of being annoying and please don't say 'no' to me on this - I'm still on the hunt for more reader-reviews for this, my most recently published book. May I I ask, if you've grabbed yourself a copy, to let me know what you think of Mona and her answer to the question; can love overcome a legacy of abuse? Or even better - let lots of other potential readers know by writing up a quick review on Amazon. It is one of the most useful things you can do to help my writing career. Thank you. If you haven't yet got a copy, then fear not, click here to be taken to the Amazon page.
P.P.S. Audiobook lover? The second Book in the Beyond Veils Series - The Truth of Her, Beyond Veils, Book Two - is now available as an Audiobook! You can download it from Amazon, Audible or the Apple Store. It's about 11 hours of fantastic narration by the wonderful actress, Amy Foley, of a story that asks 'how do you remain a good person when bad things keep happening to you?' Get it now, here.
P.P.P.S I have a podcast too! Published on Apple Podcast - it is called "Letters from an Author" and features me, reading aloud these letters that I send to you, my subscribers, my friends. You can download and listen to the episodes - about 10 minutes or less per episode, because I know how busy we all are - here. I had great fun recording them, I hope you enjoy listening.
P.P.P.P.S Also worthy of mention is that the full series collection has just been published as a single eBook - and at a significant discount on the total 3 separate e-book purchase price. Get 'The Beyond Veils Series Collection' for just £9.99 here.
I have grown older though and come to recognise it is the times I have said ‘no’ which have proven to be the most transformational.
Here’s an example; my new status as a mother also marked the end of my high-flying corporate career. Six months after the birth of my daughter, I was an inconvenient woman who now had different priorities to the 14 hour working days my American, software-consultancy employer thought was reasonable. I was made redundant on the basis of highly suspect criteria. My solicitor agreed I had a case for tribunal, but warned me a judge might not award me much compensation, in fact I might get ‘punished’ for not taking the ex-gratia (shut up and leave) payment being offered to go quietly.
With the injustice of his legal advice ringing in my ears, my 6-month old daughter perched on my hip, I headed off for a weekend away with family. I sat upon a beautiful Norfolk beach, a bright benign sky above my head, perfect white clouds drifting lazily, the sound of the sea, the smell of salt, sand between my toes, the happy delight of my baby exploring, and I decided to say ‘no’. It was the first time I would not take on a fight for justice.
I freed myself. Yes, in not standing up for my own rights I was letting down all women, the decision was a selfish one. I figured if I was meant to change the world for the better, it would not be by sacrificing myself fighting a massive, deep pocketed corporation, whose minions – all frightened for their own jobs no doubt – were simply following orders and getting the paperwork done.
Here’s another example of ‘no’: my decision to leave my marriage. A long-dried up union, in which I was a duty player on an empty sports field. Invisible and settling for second best, performing acts I did not want to do, from which I gained no pleasure, just a temporary relief from the simmering entitlement and anger that my then husband held in his heart for me. Apparently, I was the problem, so I was the one who was expected to sort things. I did, eventually. I found the strength, a reason, to speak the truth of my heart. I said ‘no’. It was not easy. The ramifications of that ‘no’ continue to ripple outwards within my life and that of my family. I said no, again for purely selfish reasons, to make myself happy.
Another example: the other month I got an offer of being featured on somebody’s online podcast. The sales pitch went something along the lines of how much exposure my books would get and how brilliant this would be for my writing career. The pay-off? I would have to produce content that had to be exclusive to this podcast. The time to create this was a considerable chunk of my writing-time for the month. It was an example of how offers can seem dazzlingly tempting – “This’ll put your name up in lights” promises that upon analysis put the whole burden of effort and therefore, risk, upon one party with, really, very little risk for the other party. This person was getting content for their podcast for free, with no ability to guarantee me any benefit. But more pertinent was that they didn’t fit me. I didn’t ‘get’ their approach. I didn’t ‘feel’ it. It felt too one-sided. When I imagined myself working to deliver the required brief for this promise, I felt a tad desperate.
I turned the opportunity down. I used that ‘free’ time to write my books, some more of these letters, and to learn how to promote my writing through channels that I can control and whose effect I have a better chance of assessing. All of this work felt genuine, an authentic graft to give myself a better chance of reaching more readers who hopefully will become proper fans of me (rather than working really hard for somebody for whom I was just an hour’s worth of air-time).
Saying ‘no’ - it is hard on the heart at times. I’m risking disappointing people, I worry that I come across as difficult, too stubborn, too negative in these circumstances. People, well-meaning friends and family, frown at me and say, ‘but why not, what have you to lose?’ It is a good question. I’m not sure I always have a good answer for it – other than it just doesn’t feel right.
Every time I have said no, I was in effect saying ‘yes’ to something else. Sometimes that yes was immediately obvious to me. Most times it was not. I have to trust something ‘better’, more meaningful will appear and, because I have not busied myself with unfulfilling activity, I will be more capable of spotting the ‘ideal for me’ moments. I believe the universe moves upon its axis at my utterance of, ‘No, thank you. It’s not a good fit for me’ and aligns for the most perfectly apt opportunity to zoom up the cosmic motorway, straight towards me.
Discernment is not such a fashionable concept in this fast-paced, fast-food, fast-forward world. I’m on a crusade to bring it back. If I could influence my now teenaged daughter, I would have her listen to her internal roar of ‘no!’ at a much earlier age than I did. That she wouldn’t spend so many years finding her courage, like I had to. That she would have a secure knowledge of her right to say no, that she was allowed to leave, allowed to demand a sign of commitment from the other person before having to commit herself. In short, that she would say ‘no’ more often and find herself a freer and more successful person for it.
She isn’t allowed to say ‘no’ to me though!
Only kidding, she learnt how to do that just after that beach weekend at 6 months old and hasn’t stopped since!
Rachel x
P.S. The Hope of Us, Beyond Veils, Book 3: Look, at the risk of being annoying and please don't say 'no' to me on this - I'm still on the hunt for more reader-reviews for this, my most recently published book. May I I ask, if you've grabbed yourself a copy, to let me know what you think of Mona and her answer to the question; can love overcome a legacy of abuse? Or even better - let lots of other potential readers know by writing up a quick review on Amazon. It is one of the most useful things you can do to help my writing career. Thank you. If you haven't yet got a copy, then fear not, click here to be taken to the Amazon page.
P.P.S. Audiobook lover? The second Book in the Beyond Veils Series - The Truth of Her, Beyond Veils, Book Two - is now available as an Audiobook! You can download it from Amazon, Audible or the Apple Store. It's about 11 hours of fantastic narration by the wonderful actress, Amy Foley, of a story that asks 'how do you remain a good person when bad things keep happening to you?' Get it now, here.
P.P.P.S I have a podcast too! Published on Apple Podcast - it is called "Letters from an Author" and features me, reading aloud these letters that I send to you, my subscribers, my friends. You can download and listen to the episodes - about 10 minutes or less per episode, because I know how busy we all are - here. I had great fun recording them, I hope you enjoy listening.
P.P.P.P.S Also worthy of mention is that the full series collection has just been published as a single eBook - and at a significant discount on the total 3 separate e-book purchase price. Get 'The Beyond Veils Series Collection' for just £9.99 here.
