Who have you been? Who are you now?
- by Rachel Davidson
- •
- 18 Apr, 2021
- •
Who do you wish to be?
I recently learned about two groups of humanity. Both were faced with the same overarching societal and environmental circumstances, both faced terrible challenges, both making dreadful choices; who may live and who may die.
The first group; in an excerpt of Prof. Jordan B Peterson’s just published new book (’12 More Rules for Life’) I read about the atrocities carried out during the last world war by a particular ‘group’ – a police force set up to assist the Nazi’s maintain their rule within occupied territories. Prof. Peterson, in turn, references a book about this group – ‘Ordinary Men – Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution for Poland’ by Christopher R Browning.
Reserve Police Battalion 101 was made up of ‘normal’ men. Men who had previously lived average lives, achieving average things that the vast majority of humanity still aspires to. These men were generally middle aged – too old or imperfect to be drafted into the army as regular soldiers, but still able and useful enough to perform a role for the powers-that-be - they signed up, volunteered to be part of this police force. This group is interesting exactly because of their very ‘normal’ starting point; they were not fanatics or particularly politically idealised. They are interesting because they went on to perform some of the worst atrocities against defenceless Jewish civilians, women, children and the infirm, during even that most awful period of history.
Those who have studied these men have asked how average middle-aged husbands and fathers came to perform their murderous jobs. The conclusion? Each member of Reserve Police Battalion 101 got there by taking small, tiny steps into evil. They started from where they were and moved slowly but imperceptibly away from ‘acceptable’ behaviour into the worst of what humanity is capable of. Each time, just accepting the latest small swallow of terribleness. No doubt, they were assisted in this internal struggle by seeing that others around them performed this too. There is safety in numbers, yes?
Perhaps you are thinking they were coerced with vicious threats from higher up the authority chain, that these men acted as they did out of fear for their own lives, that they had no choice. I wish this were true, but there are a number of cases of individuals refusing, publicly, to perform the savagery requested. These men were not harshly punished, in fact at least one such objector went on to be promoted.
At about the same time as I read about Reserve Police Battalion 101, I watched author, Margaret Atwood being interviewed in relation to her latest bestseller – The Testaments, the follow up to the uber-successful Handmaid’s Tale. She spoke of a Jewish refugee from Nazi Germany, a man who had escaped that regime as a child only through the bravery of ‘normal’ people who were prepared to risk their own lives and those of their family members in order to save others, often strangers. Eventually this gentleman came to wonder about these people. He wished to know more about his saviours, to know why they had acted thus. It is a question that fascinates me too; why would you risk your life for the sake of a stranger?
Having travelled back to his ‘homeland’ and interviewed as many as he could find, he came to a conclusion. It was not due to religious or political ideologies. It was not for gain or aggrandisement. The answer is simpler and, I think, more devastatingly powerful because of this. These brave rescuers risked everything because it was who they thought they were, and who they wanted to continue to be. Or, put another way, they refused to live knowing they had behaved in a manner less worthy of themselves. They held a conviction, a belief. A whisper of their conscience. This is what pushed them to make the first move, some small act of protection for the persecuted in their community. Slowly, they began from where they were, and holding to their vision, the belief in who they were, step by step, found themselves risking all.
The famous quote from ‘The Gulag Archipelago 1918-1956 (1973)’ by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn – a book I confess I have not yet gathered enough courage to read - goes as follows; “If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.” There is an extra sentence, a question, the author goes on to ask. This sentence is not so often included – “And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
But the question – who is willing - is valid. It speaks to the hard decisions we all face in the course of our lives. This is true of humanity no matter what point in history we find ourselves to be living through. It is relative; the challenges we face personally may frighten us, but not others. The premise from which we start may make a choice seem entirely ‘good’ but utterly mad to someone else, who begins from a different principle. To be the ‘best-version’ of oneself is well-used amongst self-help, personal development and spiritual texts. To step into one’s power, strive for higher vibrations and act in a loving manner, acknowledging the innate connectedness that every soul on the planet shares. These are phrases that we nod along to – who doesn’t agree with these ideals?
What is less often spoken about is the epic-battle it can feel like, in the micro-moment, when the choice of action is suddenly upon us and we suspect that to go one way is to reach for an idealised vision of ourselves but risk criticism and isolation, or go another way which will keep us within a safe fold of our life and peer-group, but reduces us and allows hurt and harm to happen.
I have experienced these moments. A threat arrives, an injustice occurs, a choice is presented. My heart thumps, my language capacity lessens, my blood feels electric with adrenaline, my skin prickles with goosebumps. You will have experienced this too.
We may not be facing down a Nazi police officer, nevertheless, the stars have aligned so as to present us with a question – “Who are you going to choose to be, here, now?” Sometimes I hear that question slightly differently; “Which side of my heart will I choose to ‘destroy’?”
Those of you who have read my third book, ‘The Hope of Us, Beyond Veils, Book Three’ will perhaps have an idea as to how these two ‘heart-halves’ manifest for me, because the two main characters appear to be effectively each side of that dividing heart-line. I hope the story I have written makes it clear which approach is ‘best’, but also highlights how the decision, to be either side - the ‘good’ or the ‘bad’ – is very rarely taken lightly and sometimes bad decisions and choices are made for the ‘best’ reasons.
I try hard to choose the side of my heart which makes me a bigger, better person, which may make the world a teeny bit better. My experience is these opposing ‘halves’ may appear very similar to each other and the line dividing them not so obviously apparent. Let us remember how small the steps can be – how insignificant and hardly there; a mere turn of one’s head, or a stilling of one’s tongue. Such steps transformed average Germans into killers or saviours. To a different outcome, these are the steps you and I choose too, here and now.
So, how did my characters resolve this dilemma (for the beauty of being an author is the need to always resolve the story to a satisfactory answer of the big question being posed)? In brief summary - they were forced to a point of undeniable truth about who they wished to be, who they had been and who they were being.
Only then was there the possibility of love, happiness and hope.
Rachel x
P.S. The Hope of Us, Beyond Veils, Book 3: At the risk of being annoying - I'm still on the hunt for more reader-reviews for this, my most recently published book. May I I ask, if you've grabbed yourself a copy, to let me know what you think of Mona and her answer to the question; can love overcome a legacy of abuse? Or even better - let lots of other potential readers know by writing up a quick review on Amazon. It is one of the most useful things you can do to help my writing career. Thank you. If you haven't yet got a copy, then you're in luck, click here to be taken to the Amazon page which will happily enable you to purchase a copy straight away!
P.P.S. Audiobook lover? The second Book in the Beyond Veils Series - The Truth of Her, Beyond Veils, Book Two - is now available as an Audiobook! You can download it from Amazon, Audible or the Apple Store. It's about 11 hours of fantastic narration by the wonderful actress, Amy Foley, of a story that asks 'how do you remain a good person when bad things keep happening to you?' Get it now, here.
P.P.P.S I have a podcast too! Published on Apple Podcast - it is called "Letters from an Author" and features me, reading aloud these letters that I send to you, my subscribers, my friends. You can download and listen to the episodes - about 10 minutes or less per episode, because I know how busy we all are - here. I had great fun recording them, I hope you enjoy listening.
P.P.P.P.S Also worthy of mention is that the full series collection has just been published as a single eBook - and at a significant discount on the total 3 separate e-book purchase price. Get 'The Beyond Veils Series Collection' for just £9.99 here.
The first group; in an excerpt of Prof. Jordan B Peterson’s just published new book (’12 More Rules for Life’) I read about the atrocities carried out during the last world war by a particular ‘group’ – a police force set up to assist the Nazi’s maintain their rule within occupied territories. Prof. Peterson, in turn, references a book about this group – ‘Ordinary Men – Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution for Poland’ by Christopher R Browning.
Reserve Police Battalion 101 was made up of ‘normal’ men. Men who had previously lived average lives, achieving average things that the vast majority of humanity still aspires to. These men were generally middle aged – too old or imperfect to be drafted into the army as regular soldiers, but still able and useful enough to perform a role for the powers-that-be - they signed up, volunteered to be part of this police force. This group is interesting exactly because of their very ‘normal’ starting point; they were not fanatics or particularly politically idealised. They are interesting because they went on to perform some of the worst atrocities against defenceless Jewish civilians, women, children and the infirm, during even that most awful period of history.
Those who have studied these men have asked how average middle-aged husbands and fathers came to perform their murderous jobs. The conclusion? Each member of Reserve Police Battalion 101 got there by taking small, tiny steps into evil. They started from where they were and moved slowly but imperceptibly away from ‘acceptable’ behaviour into the worst of what humanity is capable of. Each time, just accepting the latest small swallow of terribleness. No doubt, they were assisted in this internal struggle by seeing that others around them performed this too. There is safety in numbers, yes?
Perhaps you are thinking they were coerced with vicious threats from higher up the authority chain, that these men acted as they did out of fear for their own lives, that they had no choice. I wish this were true, but there are a number of cases of individuals refusing, publicly, to perform the savagery requested. These men were not harshly punished, in fact at least one such objector went on to be promoted.
At about the same time as I read about Reserve Police Battalion 101, I watched author, Margaret Atwood being interviewed in relation to her latest bestseller – The Testaments, the follow up to the uber-successful Handmaid’s Tale. She spoke of a Jewish refugee from Nazi Germany, a man who had escaped that regime as a child only through the bravery of ‘normal’ people who were prepared to risk their own lives and those of their family members in order to save others, often strangers. Eventually this gentleman came to wonder about these people. He wished to know more about his saviours, to know why they had acted thus. It is a question that fascinates me too; why would you risk your life for the sake of a stranger?
Having travelled back to his ‘homeland’ and interviewed as many as he could find, he came to a conclusion. It was not due to religious or political ideologies. It was not for gain or aggrandisement. The answer is simpler and, I think, more devastatingly powerful because of this. These brave rescuers risked everything because it was who they thought they were, and who they wanted to continue to be. Or, put another way, they refused to live knowing they had behaved in a manner less worthy of themselves. They held a conviction, a belief. A whisper of their conscience. This is what pushed them to make the first move, some small act of protection for the persecuted in their community. Slowly, they began from where they were, and holding to their vision, the belief in who they were, step by step, found themselves risking all.
The famous quote from ‘The Gulag Archipelago 1918-1956 (1973)’ by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn – a book I confess I have not yet gathered enough courage to read - goes as follows; “If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.” There is an extra sentence, a question, the author goes on to ask. This sentence is not so often included – “And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
But the question – who is willing - is valid. It speaks to the hard decisions we all face in the course of our lives. This is true of humanity no matter what point in history we find ourselves to be living through. It is relative; the challenges we face personally may frighten us, but not others. The premise from which we start may make a choice seem entirely ‘good’ but utterly mad to someone else, who begins from a different principle. To be the ‘best-version’ of oneself is well-used amongst self-help, personal development and spiritual texts. To step into one’s power, strive for higher vibrations and act in a loving manner, acknowledging the innate connectedness that every soul on the planet shares. These are phrases that we nod along to – who doesn’t agree with these ideals?
What is less often spoken about is the epic-battle it can feel like, in the micro-moment, when the choice of action is suddenly upon us and we suspect that to go one way is to reach for an idealised vision of ourselves but risk criticism and isolation, or go another way which will keep us within a safe fold of our life and peer-group, but reduces us and allows hurt and harm to happen.
I have experienced these moments. A threat arrives, an injustice occurs, a choice is presented. My heart thumps, my language capacity lessens, my blood feels electric with adrenaline, my skin prickles with goosebumps. You will have experienced this too.
We may not be facing down a Nazi police officer, nevertheless, the stars have aligned so as to present us with a question – “Who are you going to choose to be, here, now?” Sometimes I hear that question slightly differently; “Which side of my heart will I choose to ‘destroy’?”
Those of you who have read my third book, ‘The Hope of Us, Beyond Veils, Book Three’ will perhaps have an idea as to how these two ‘heart-halves’ manifest for me, because the two main characters appear to be effectively each side of that dividing heart-line. I hope the story I have written makes it clear which approach is ‘best’, but also highlights how the decision, to be either side - the ‘good’ or the ‘bad’ – is very rarely taken lightly and sometimes bad decisions and choices are made for the ‘best’ reasons.
I try hard to choose the side of my heart which makes me a bigger, better person, which may make the world a teeny bit better. My experience is these opposing ‘halves’ may appear very similar to each other and the line dividing them not so obviously apparent. Let us remember how small the steps can be – how insignificant and hardly there; a mere turn of one’s head, or a stilling of one’s tongue. Such steps transformed average Germans into killers or saviours. To a different outcome, these are the steps you and I choose too, here and now.
So, how did my characters resolve this dilemma (for the beauty of being an author is the need to always resolve the story to a satisfactory answer of the big question being posed)? In brief summary - they were forced to a point of undeniable truth about who they wished to be, who they had been and who they were being.
Only then was there the possibility of love, happiness and hope.
Rachel x
P.S. The Hope of Us, Beyond Veils, Book 3: At the risk of being annoying - I'm still on the hunt for more reader-reviews for this, my most recently published book. May I I ask, if you've grabbed yourself a copy, to let me know what you think of Mona and her answer to the question; can love overcome a legacy of abuse? Or even better - let lots of other potential readers know by writing up a quick review on Amazon. It is one of the most useful things you can do to help my writing career. Thank you. If you haven't yet got a copy, then you're in luck, click here to be taken to the Amazon page which will happily enable you to purchase a copy straight away!
P.P.S. Audiobook lover? The second Book in the Beyond Veils Series - The Truth of Her, Beyond Veils, Book Two - is now available as an Audiobook! You can download it from Amazon, Audible or the Apple Store. It's about 11 hours of fantastic narration by the wonderful actress, Amy Foley, of a story that asks 'how do you remain a good person when bad things keep happening to you?' Get it now, here.
P.P.P.S I have a podcast too! Published on Apple Podcast - it is called "Letters from an Author" and features me, reading aloud these letters that I send to you, my subscribers, my friends. You can download and listen to the episodes - about 10 minutes or less per episode, because I know how busy we all are - here. I had great fun recording them, I hope you enjoy listening.
P.P.P.P.S Also worthy of mention is that the full series collection has just been published as a single eBook - and at a significant discount on the total 3 separate e-book purchase price. Get 'The Beyond Veils Series Collection' for just £9.99 here.
